SASOD was able to speak with a man in his late twenties, who is using
his faith to deal with his homosexual feelings as he pursues a
relationship with a woman. This is part of a series of stories about
people living in Guyana who do not identify as heterosexual.
No voice..
When I was younger , I was confused and I found myself attracted to
men. I was lucky, the men were often intelligent and older than me,
some of them were also wealthy. At the same, time I used to think that
something was wrong with what I was doing. I liked the life, parties
and the attention. On looking back now, I felt as though, in all the
homosexual relationships that I had, that I had no control over what
was happening to me, that I had no voice..
Changing my homosexual lifestyle
A woman I knew at the time asked me if I was gay, and I told her
everything. I told her about the boyfriends. I also told had
girlfriends too. She told me her ex-husband was gay, and she did not
understand what was happening. She was glad to work with me, to
understand what had happened to her husband. For a year, this woman
shared some books with me, and counselled me and encouraged me to
change my lifestyle. I realised that I could change my homosexual
lifestyle
Don't die like your sister..
I grew up with my mother.. I wish that I could have had a relationship
where I could be open and talk with my mother about anything. She
struggled for us and I am grateful to her for that. One of my sisters
is close to me, and she knew about my struggles. She is supportive of
what I am doing now. Another brother did not like my lifestyle much.
My sister asked me to call my mother and tell her. Another sister had
died of HIV related complications the previous year. My mother did not
tell me anything bad, she just told me to be careful and make sure
that I did not die like my sister..
No temptation...
I realised that the flesh is weak, and that all I have to be strong
and resist the temptations, so I make sure I avoid situations and
places where I could get close to guys who I find attractive. At my
workplace, this guy and I were getting close, and I had to tell him
that I did not want that kind of relationship. My friends from the
past, some of them did not understand. My boyfriends had migrated,
some of them appreciate what I am doing, some of them I had to break
off with. I had to change my phone number since people would harass
me. When I moved, I also did not let some people know my new address.
At the same time, I started making new friends. A lot of things
changed too.. I still like dancing, but would not go out to places
where there is vulgar dancing. I realised that drinking and smoking
were part of that unhealthy lifestyle. I stopped smoking and drinking,
I manage to socialise now in way in which I am always sober, with
little or no alcohol. The key to what I want to achieve is to avoid
temptation.
A relationship with God...
I always used to go to church, and was very active in church
activities. However, after getting involved in this Ministry and
communicating with a pastor who has escaped from the homosexual
lifestyle I started to live y Biblical principles, I am now looking at
religion in a way, not just as religion, but in that I have a
relationship with God
Having a wife and children
I have a girlfriend, who I will marry. She knows about my past and my
bisexuality. I met her in church. She wants to wait until we are
married before we have sex, and I appreciate and accept that. There
are other ways to show love. One of my friends who joined my faith
based organisation, recently overcame his homosexual feelings and he
fell in love with a girl and married her. In the end, I want to be
able to have my wife and children, and be able to deal with my
homosexual desires in a good way.
Filling the void for a male companion..
A few weeks ago, I started chatting online with this guy. He is very
intelligent and understanding, and we have formed a close
relationship.. I could call him my boyfriend. We have not had sex, but
we have talked about my desire for a friendship without sex. So far so
good, we have managed to spend time together, alone without having
sex. So far I have managed to resist that, even though I have been
aroused around him. If I succumb to the desires of the flesh, then so
be it. I want us both to have an HIV test before we do that. I will
also make sure we use condoms. He is an ideal partner, since he is
understanding and is not pressuring me. My girlfriend had told me that
she does not want to know if I get involved with a guy, and that it is
no problem for her. I like that arrangement. I think I need to have a
relationship with another man, because I have this kind of gap in my
life, and this guy, he fills this void for a male companion.
Talking with others and giving support
One of the things which I have learnt to do, is to accept my
bisexuality and talk to others about dealing with homosexual feelings
and not succumbing to them. I talk to young people about abstinence
and knowing their bodies and feelings and making choices. Some young
guys who want to escape the gay life style are part of my faith based
group, and we have support sessions where we discuss all the
challenges which we are facing. An important part of my life is now
talking to others and giving support to others homosexuals who do not
like being that way.
Looking forward
Education is now important for me, and I am glad to get on with my
University education, I want to get as far as doing a Masters degree.
At the same time, I have my hobbies such as designing and all the
different work I do for my organisation in faciliating support groups
, and in doing education about HIV . I want to own a small business. I
have a lot of things to look forward to now.
